No One Asked Me, & No One Will

Have you ever gone so deep down the rabbit hole that the people you engage with would nearly need prerequisites to get the conversation on track?

If you’re in a reading mood, I’ve got you covered. In light of all the civil unrest, I wanted to share with you some interesting introspection. Much of what you already think about at least on an unconscious level, I wanted to share some perspective around intersectionality & subculture from my perspective.

To begin, my story, & so if you’ve read this you understand at least a bit about why I would choose to participate in Justice Reform work. More than not my efforts have been rejected from both white & people of color. For that reason I had been researching long and hard anything related to “rejecting allies” so I could understand why? To which I found this insightful read. I should say that the BLM movement has been hard for me to, because I’m watching people I love hurt. From one person to the next the way I respond lands differently. In that way, I am almost renedered silent at times for a fear I’ll make it worse. Clearly there’s work to do in unraveling much of this where the unconcious is at play. All said, I will never defend police brutality, ever.

So t was incredible read for perspective, thought provoking, & offered me no resolution. Here’s why:

I’m not a person of color, I am a person with an “invisible” disability, a woman, a parent, from immigrant families, living with trauma, from poverty that I work hard not to return to & a person with lived experience, to the world right now I’m a white woman however but there is no “I in we” until it is.

I suspect people develop white guilt because they are white, but possess empathy while other white people can be shitty; those emotions are valid even if not helpful. I’ve yet to meet a male, able bodied person, or person without trauma to feel that guilt for their counterparts, so there is movement for people of color at least if some experience guilt.

None of us can control other people however. By being an “ally” which this article rejects, I offer to be supportive & intercept where I can, if I can, even if I don’t possess power. Unfortunately some of that may require me to ask & educate myself, a notion which some people find even more infuriating. I wish I had that support, I wish someone would look out for me where I have experienced bias too & furthermore ask me about my experience, there is no “I in we” than either? I don’t see anyone tossing their body on a bed of flames to protect me either, would “we & not I” were to apply than?

I’m often times rejected from shared spaces where it comes to justice reform, though I have lived experience. The perception is being white it’s implied I’m obnoxious to want a part in that, stealing opportunity or attempting to do so which is not the case.

There was a study recently that showed white conservatives largely lacked empathy for everyone, while white liberals largely possessed empathy, but not for other white people who struggled with issues like poverty, for example. I have no leverage to actually cause change from my privilege among other white people than. The piece missed the mark on subculture or intersectionality, but it does start the conversation.

Likewise, in justice reform work, some people of color assume I’m out to be a martyr & that’s also not true. What all that has caused is a stalemate for me, in wanting to help but my help isn’t welcome. My pain also cannot be reconciled. I’ve heard I have no right to chime in, but my part is to “cut a check” which I probably don’t have & if I don’t I’m “the problem” with considerations to covid, a hard economy, my personal circumstances & a need for my own oxygen mask to survive firstly . On the other hand, I’m pressed to be more vocal, while also not having a right to contribute, this perpetuates confusion than.

That rejection to reconcile pain for myself as well as others burns deeply for me. I think that, like trauma & many other issues is a breeding ground for homeland terrorism once rejected; especially when we cannot, & will not, unify among us. In this way we reject unification over shared trauma, like lived experience/incarceration. We perpetuate these issues by rejecting one another in shared spaces & get upset that it’s happening as a result, which is insanity.

Then some wonder why I don’t put my already trauamitized heart in a potential violent protest, for which no one would do for me but otherwise reject my help via philanthropy lends to more madness. I tried to help peacefully by virtue of sinking thousands of dollars & man hours in justice reform non-profit where my efforts were continuously rejected, so it would seem it only matters when the media tells us it does?

That’s exactly how enemies or lack of support are created I think, so I have to work hard to ignore that rejection & reopening those wounds from both ends where race is concerned.

That said, as Ibram X. Kendi points out, to focus on everyday white people as opposed to those in roles of power, we take the focus off of those in positions of power as being responsible. By doing this we allow this to fester and make life worse.

I def don’t identify with “Karen” or “Becky”, but I am also the subject of ridicule thanks to them, compounded from the above reasons already, some may enjoy that..

The message on next steps for remedy across the board isn’t unified. My take away is ‘I’m the problem’ by virtue of being white, but I’ve no right to try to help? I’m not sure what to do with that, most importantly my intentions are good, & I would give anything to get support from well intentioned people at this point even if they can’t relate to my struggles.

That said, no one asked me & no one will.

UPDATE:

I had the pleasure of discussion with Catherine Pugh, the author. She went on to clarify that she isn’t rejecting allies but the term necessarily. It was a much needing communication. No doubt this also came as a source of pain, for both of us for different reasons. For me, being rejected left me feeling hopeless other then to bare witness, & that has occured in some other conversations. It was a great learning opportunity.

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Progressive Misogyny

I’m not shy, in fact some would say that I should be more modest, especially here in the south. I was raised that a woman doesn’t have to modest to be respected, and that is exactly my rules of engagement.

As a woman endowed with ample bosom I get my fair share from men, but equally from women. I can’t count the number of times another woman has said to me, “pull your blouse up” or “you’re showing too much” as if to share, even accidentally, what I can’t physically help makes them uncomfortable & is therefore somehow my problem. I’m not nearly as self aware as I should be, but I assure I won’t become self conscious for someone else’s comfort either. Granted it would be distracting if folks walked around naked, but I shouldn’t have to wear a burka either so that people don’t have to be inconvenienced by my state of being. So yes, we can agree that empowerment isn’t even supported by the same gender, and much of that has to do with ego. So yes, we know this spans all walks, but not everyone individually.

Some would say part of my state of being is sexual empowerment, I suppose it depends on how you view sexual stereotypes. Much less those physically, such as the notion that if a man or woman is of larger stature that they are proportionate in any other way, which anyone who has been in clinical in the healthcare industry with specific experience can tell you isn’t true, or this weird notion that childbirth or too many partners ruins a woman, which is certainly not true. Thankfully our bodies are built for that, after all how many bowel movements have you had and you’re still functioning properly? My hat off to anyone who has endured trauma in birth however, and that deserves more support then degradation in our society.

Recently I had the pleasure of hanging out with a couple who always mystified me, in fact I’m usually eager to hang out because of my ongoing conundrum is understanding them individually since they seem to mostly share my beliefs and yet are so different. I tend to surround myself with a variety of people with a complexity of beliefs, as long as we can respect one another. Though hypocrisy lives everywhere, across all spans of religious, and political beliefs even that of my own. I do not have a sense of blind loyalty and I ask that you don’t as well as you take this read in.  

I’m candid in my conversation around my personal freedom & liberation. Generally speaking I have been fortunate to couple with like mind people where freedom is valued as much as respect. I suppose I took for granted that for some people the two cannot coexist among my peers.

I learned this through this “woke” couple who shared the same political and social beliefs as me, that even my conservative friends would be more forgiving & generous to their significant others than perhaps they are. It wasn’t uncommon for the male counterpart of this couple to make comments about what his partner doesn’t do for him. From breakfast, coffee, cleaning to fellatio, he wasn’t shy. I suppose you could say that since he does the cleaning and cooking, the distribution of duties clearly indicates household duty fairness where it comes to gender, right? There is nothing wrong with venting either, right?

I would suppose with household duties its a means of survival since we all have a choice, either make coffee or there won’t be any. Though very frequently the male counterpart of this relationship goes out of his way to tell us as a group who he thinks is hot out of the women we know, specifically people we know personally. The same assumption could be made that transparency is the best policy, but here is where intent matters. What I’ve learned as with many others at this stage in my life is a sense of class about these things. What is motivating you to share that information? Does it turn your significant other on? Is it to make your guests or SO to feel inferior? Is it to incite a debate or agreement on the shared opinion(s)? Is the conversation alienating in nature?

As I sat & asked myself these questions while he spoke, I realized very quickly the intention was to alienate me or cause me discomfort. I would never go out of my way to make a guest feel poorly about themselves, and certainly the pattern seemed to exist where it came to females since the conversation wasn’t alienating any males present. My partners have always had freedom of expression, opinion & desires but not if the intent was to alienate or hurt me, that’s not about freedom of speech, that’s about control. Sound familiar? I can think of many men who degrade women just for that purpose, so my shock and awe was natural when you consider I wouldn’t expect this from a person who claims not supporting those sorts of people.  

During this same conversation the topic of fellatio came up, the male counterpart of the relationship pointed out he doesn’t receive this, I mentioned it’s reciprocal in jest, and he says about his significant other that “he doesn’t eat meatloaf“. My reaction was a slow & painful “oh shit”, not because I care about who is getting deprived personally, but because I was so horribly confused. If I’ve ever loved someone, it’s never been a ‘chore’ to see them happy, or be generous to them, but never have I ever been made to feel the same in return as if to love me was a chore. Or worse yet, that I wasn’t attractive to them in every way. In fact, my encounters have always been enthusiastic exchanges, shouldn’t it be? Is life not to short for that?!? So, I couldn’t wrap my head around a ‘progressive’ couple not being liberated, but more specifically being nearly cruel about it? Maybe it was supposed to be funny, but I can assure you if a women referred to her lovers parts as a stinky stick, even in jest it would hurt.

I’ll say that I haven’t had any issues related to that personally, I’ve been fairly confident in private. In part probably because my encounters never left me feeling that way. I suppose I’ve learned that with my partners generosity has always inspired mine, there’s no limit once you know we’re all doing great. In fact my partners have always had quite a bit of freedom because I wasn’t riddled with anxiety. For some jealous partners, their SO is the source of anxiety by depriving them and perhaps degrading them. I’ve found that if couples talk about & to each other in the capacity mentioned above as he has, more specifically feel that way about each other, what’s really even the point in sex? I’d imagine because of the deprivation at minimum? Haven’t you ever been hangry? There is such a thing when it comes to being deprived in this way as well such as lacking orgasm. Studies have shown that many women don’t orgasm without cunnilingus, and if deprived, they aren’t having one at all? Hahaha, ok good luck with your platonic relationship bud, sorry not sorry but that’s not sustainable. In fact, who makes breakfast for someone when their intimately hangry….

(you mean orgasm)

 

Perhaps, I get more done because I’m not in a bad mood. If I’m singing like a canary, you’d be surprised how much gets done. Sadly though, there is even a culture of men who pride themselves in depriving their ladies. Yeah, right?!? I was confused too, I hadn’t learned this until I couldn’t get this off my mind and turned to research to discover it’s a thing. Seriously, there are men like this, and probably women too. Intimacy, when successful releases a burst of serotonin, that’s a feel good hormone. It’s responsible for what we know to be the “honeymoon” stage of the couple, so even great intimacy needs a change up once that dies down. However, if this isn’t a shared experience, what can you really expect in return? In time, that chemical reaction calms down, which is what leads some people to eventually stray, and I imagine in the case of this soon to be, if not already this platonic couple I’m referencing to be completely bored and lackluster. After all, it’s certainly not inspiring breakfast, am I right?

If you’ve settled for this dynamic as your best, what on Earth did rock bottom look like? Our conversation continued that evening with his wife going to bed & his explanation that women aren’t like men, according to him, we aren’t visual creatures and that is why shows like GOT pander to men and so forth. I was blown away, not only does this fail stereotyping 101, but it also speaks to the fact that he has no comprehension then of what being a minority looks like, or as it were a person without power. I’ve heard people say before that minority is about being the least volume of the populous, but that is not true. Being a minority is inconsequential to volume, it’s about who dominates the market by way of power. Just the same way elite rich people lobby politically and therefore no matter how much we vote we’ll have our work cut out for us. This notion totally disregarded people as personalities and only by genders, as if to say that because I’m a woman I care more about flowers than sex?

So with all that in mind, shouldn’t your partner be making your life more pleasurable and not put you in a state of anxiety? Women are half, or barely more than half of the population yet we’re represented so poorly, case in point his example of nudity in media is primarily women, and not because the stereotype applies, but because we have less representation. With all that in mind, that’s exactly why swinging or other experimentation is successful, because it’s not about a partner being a failure at all, & if it were they wouldn’t have a chance. Enlightened people, get what they want, it’s not rocket science. One would even argue that the anxiety of feeling inferior, perhaps by your own partner & being reduced to nothing with that level of freedom and is a recipe for disaster.

Back to being a minority, this is exactly why it’s a big deal when there is a female superhero in the box office, a female director, or as a person of color, because it’s being celebrated by people who have been deprived of their narrative. Worse yet, god forbid such a thing tout the fact that it’s minority lead, because the minute it does those very people who are either subservient to those who hold power, or those who hold power and view it the same way as this fella does then immediately reject it purely on that premises, which tells you something about being mentally adaptable or as it were “woke”. So yes Virginia there is a misogynist self proclaimed progressive out there, but please don’t let that lead you to believe that all people who claim to be so are as well.  

Finally, this engagement concluded with a brief discussion of said fella sharing that he felt he can’t say anything anymore without being judged, and for the most part has resorted to saying nothing at all but in the company of people he can trust, even not utilizing social media as a result. As you can imagine, I was a bit confused. I mean, I stand up for my beliefs, why shouldn’t anyone else? I will say that, neither he or anyone else should be afraid to share their true nature. In fact, I encourage it. If you find that people have a visceral reaction to what you’re saying, then you need to ask yourself why? If you’re not receptive to why, you’re pandering to the wrong people. However, don’t be surprised if progressive women aren’t ok with degradation, and the ideation of being a mastabatory toy. As for me, I welcome the challenge to learn about opposing views & sharing mine. In fact, you could say I was culturally conditioned for it, welcome to the club bud.

 

 

True Fiscal Conservation

Many people don’t know this, but you can be fiscally conservative & socially liberal; or in my case, generally socially indifferent. At the end of the day the state of our money will determine if we have the luxury to worry about social issues, so money comes first.

In fact, you can be a variety of many things, voters are actually pretty dynamic people. Even extremists usually have some base or core values that we all agree on. That should be the primary focus, what do we agree on?

There’s this belief that if you support social services you are fine with waste, just the same that if you support defense that you are fiscally conservative, but neither is true and actually even an oxymoron. One would argue if you handle social issues well it reduces waste, while at the same time you can claim to be fiscally conservative with no real quality control & are wasteful. Both are true concurrently, but if there is no valid process for audit, than pitting the two against one another is a circular argument.

When thinking of the U.S budget for example, we see that defense is actually the overwhelming budgeted expense.

Sadly, people still defend this cost as if

1. Waste doesn’t occur in the military, but yet somehow only in social programs where it actually pales in comparison
2. We shouldn’t demand transparency of defense, such as all the money lost by the pentagon though that doesn’t make big news…
3. Folks don’t actually want to be fiscally conservative, they just like the way it sounds
4. Desperately want to believe in our military & that the U.S is always the hero even if it means perpetuating loss of lives and money
5. Can’t comprehend that there are mutual truths, we can be heroes but still take care of our people first, especially if the party line is to help our* people first
6. Waste on a massive scale such as this should be eliminated
7. No waste should occur in any area, start where we’re really bleeding out first
8. That this concept of denial is tightly clung to because it is the only way someone in poverty has a shot out, to join a service to risk their life for war industry hidden under the guise of honor
9. If we reduced waste in this area there would be fewer people in poverty, & they wouldn’t have to risk their lives in order to have a future out of poverty. Despite many vets come back needing social services & jobless
10. If we were really patriots, we wouldn’t send our people to die unnecessarily. We can still honor our troops because their intentions are good but we must hold the politicians behind them accountable

I’ve got news for you no matter how much social services are reduced, that doesn’t resolve quality control issues

Just get quality control right. Get a third-party to do it. How in the hell do we expect a corrupt system to regulate itself? It won’t matter because social services waste will always be the party line because it works. It could be a nonissue and that’s still the line they’re going to feed you. The truth is, it’s an entitlement that we pay into, it should be utilized by us.

If people in poverty don’t end up in military, they end up in a low wage job or in prison outside of happy endings.

 

 

Part of my Charm

People often times say “you can’t get by on your good looks alone”, maybe their wrong. As I inch closer to the dreaded 40’s I find myself freaking out in a way I never expected. I’ve heard many people say they had that freak out as they turned 30, why I never understood. For me, 30 meant people would take me seriously and not dismiss me simply because I was a “baby” still.

Come to find out, here I’m nearing 40 and I’m still a baby to someone, such as the many boomers I must work with everyday who still dismiss my input. None-the-less, 40 is not cute, nor will it make me anymore credible in the eyes of my predecessors so there’s that.

I’ll be neither young nor old. If I wear trendy clothing I will appear to be trying too hard. If I wear granny attire I will seem older than I should. As a women, I would become irrelevant, especially sexually. I thought it ironic, because women including myself really don’t get comfortable in their skin until around my age. You really haven’t learned to utilize and appreciate your assets while you’re younger. I’m a highly passionate person, I can’t turn that off simply because that world thinks I should.

You’re are only as young as you feel has always been my motto. Yet, here I sit freaking out. To put it into context, I realize that I do feel very young. In fact, many people have no idea I’m approaching 40 because I’m very jovial. To be fair, even if I feel 25, I don’t want to be THAT lady wearing the daisy dukes and oblivious to being mocked.

I question why, why does it matter? I always knew this day would come, and with each decade I will continue to see changes as we all do organically. I should get used to this, since a very limited of our decades are spent getting as exciting as your 20s.

I was watching some discovery specials on animals and their instincts in practice through wild country. I was always amazed that most newborns were born ready to walk, among other abilities and yet humans weren’t. I’m not certain if any studies have been done on this, but it seems to me we do have survival abilities. Animal babies are born able to walk because they have to in order to survive. For humans, our ability to draw empathy is our ability to survive.

A baby’s cry is very annoying, for a reason. It should produce a reaction. More specifically, action. To take action to help the baby so the crying will cease. The survival technique is instinctual in order to gain help rather than run from a predator.

With that in mind, I often see memes on social media that read I don’t care how well your technical skills are, your people skills are everything, to paraphrase, and other similar anecdotes. I always think, you’ve got to be kidding me? Being a person who works in tight technical environments, I deal with tons of people who have social skills and no technical ability and they are the bane of my existence. I’m sure they are a value to someone, for me they translate into the dreaded college project where I get stuck doing everything & a shit team.

Folks will say “They don’t respect you” to give a presumptuous answer. I think it’s much more basic than that, people are lazy. I’m not very empathetic, so that’s not a factor here, you can’t force or charm people to perform, certainly it’s not sustainable. With people skills, they aren’t likely to suffer much damage if confronted by superiors, whereas for me, I would. I don’t have much charm despite my efforts.

This brings me back to getting old. If those I work with don’t take me anymore seriously, and I am not charming, & technical skills are apparently not as important as charm for most people, then what do I have left? Well, my appearance. To be fair, my appearance isn’t perfect, and certainly won’t get me far. Many times I have experienced being stereotyped many different ways depending on the perception of the people involved and never has it been accurate.

I know other people, more specifically women who have benefited with their looks and charm in tow. I can see why they would freak out, especially if they have nothing else to work with, such as technical skills. It occurred to me, like with the babies relying on surviving on the goodwill of others this is in part true for human beings at large. I suppose it would go without saying the same would be true throughout your entire life but in different capacities.

Therefore, you would rely on your instinctual ability to survive. Nature vs nature? Well, I am certain that some gender roles happened organically, others maybe not so much. Social changes, and all the factors that play into this are much more complex beyond cave man days. The instinct still persists, I believe that is what represents the midlife crisis. (Moon opposition Uranus)

Generally this is depicted as a man in a sports car, leaving his wife for a women the age of his college aged daughter. Now that women are more and more a part of the workforce the symptoms are very different. If she’s a mother, she may be feeling like servant, expected to give and be fulfilled with that. She may work, as well as parent, and yet have expectations for her career at this stage as well. Like any person with a sense of identity, her perception of herself may now come into question. No one at home appreciates her, she hasn’t shattered the glass ceiling, she’s burning out and finally, her appearance.

Male and females alike have a sense of individualism and level of empowerment in how they present themselves like any animal. More importantly, it’s the start of your charm. It speaks for you before you have a chance to, in my case, my charm doesn’t last long so my appearance better have something to it. However, like a baby who cries, appearance is a mechanism of survival, or at the very least resources. Those resources being different for each person, but fundamentally who will help you if you are sick, hurt or dying? More so, who will do so if you aren’t attractive or charming? Strangers are going to help a bitchy, ugly mooch? I think not.

Considering that men are fertile until their dying day, & women are not, it stands to reason that women are perceived to become invisible at a certain age. Not all women accept that, nor are they really irrelevant but you and I both know those middle age men aren’t running off with middle aged women, it’s their 20 something counter parts for various factors, ego, naiveness etc.

So while I strive for more, I realize with nearly no charm, tons of experience and now my fading youth, I have some rough days ahead. Will I get more help outside of work, no, apparently it will only decrease. Will I gain more visibility and support at work, no, not likely. Would anyone be more motived to care about me sick, dying, or even just out of kindness, no. Will all the efforts I invested get regoniztion, highly unlikely? What do I have, well, I have other people around me who are aging and they may stick around for the same fear, nothing better than that I suppose.

As a hard working person, I have to ask myself, how much am I willing to give knowing I won’t get it in return? I will never get it in return for all that I have done to this end. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s difficult to think that there’s a way to find peace in that.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take solace in how far we have advanced as a people in the 21^st century…

 

 

Random Meandering

MILF, no one puts thought into this phrase, but it just recently occurred to me…

Why in the hell does being a mother have anything to do with being sexually attractive?

Are there any DILFs out there? No, just attractive men, being a dad has nothing to do with their sexual identity, and so my point….

What about any other adjective while we are at it? Better yet, I am certain that if you are a parent its the last thing you would want to think about concurrent to sexual attraction. #IJS

 

T Factor

I moved out fairly young. My mother was schizophrenic as well as epileptic, much less her traumatic childhood, mine was no less easy. My mom and I would have passionate disputes; however, my mother also didn’t care for females much. While my father wasn’t around, which was often, I was the next most stable person in our household. My brother was just a bit older; organically I was a caretaker for us in many ways. So if you needed someone to pack your lunch, or get you up in the morning, I would be the person to do it. In so many ways, I felt like a single parent, incidentally in my own childhood home as I grew up. Needless to say, I wasn’t perfect.

I think this bothered my mother, since she was a pioneer despite her ailments. To an extent, I think it pissed my mother off that she couldn’t be more there for me, and at the same time punished me for it. I should point out that I am also an INTJ female, ennegram type one. You know who else has this rare personality, especially for a women, Hillary Clinton and people either love her or hate her. I think that perfectly sums up how folks respond to me. I joke with those few close friends who can stand me that I am ambidextrous, O neg, RH neg, dyslexic, female INTJ; I couldn’t be any more of a unicorn. This isn’t to say that I am special; in fact people would argue that I am far from it. Maybe this means I am completely demented. I don’t care. This is to point out that it’s difficult to relate to me apparently and nothing more. Given that I have Pisces on my MC, more times than not people project their feelings on me. It’s a reflection of them that they despise me. It has taken my entire life to pull all these pieces together, the solution, well, you tell me? I haven’t figured it out yet.

I am by no means perfect; should you decide you dislike me, please first be certain it’s for a valid reason I have earned, and not something within yourself. To be fair, most people are not going to analyze their feelings or thoughts on this level. I’d say in my experience they are more prone to be emotional, and therein lies the problem. I am not any of these things, at least, not until you dig deep. This is certainly not my surface response.

Alas, my mother knew all these things about me, at least intrinsically. Yet at the same time, she had her issues with females, and more specifically, a strong willed one who helped her when she despised being weak, me. Needless to say, it was a complex love/hate relationship. I grew up as strong as she was, and in a way she should have been happy to have me in that capacity. Be that as it may, mom brought drama to me whether I liked it or not. Given my temperament, I loathed it with a passion. (Sun sextile Moon)  I could not escape it, so it taught me a lot about myself long before I even stepped foot into the adult world. Considering my 4th house Saturn, I think it perfectly sums up my responsibilities as a child, and better yet, my relationship with my father. Since dad wasn’t around, he returned to witness, or hears tales of this drama.

To my detriment, he easily blamed those “crazy women” and didn’t think much more of it than that. I couldn’t avoid her drama, she pushed it on me. I was backed into a corner. Despite my dad’s thoughts, I very much despise confrontation, though it was obviously inescapable. For being an INTJ, I have a peculiar quality about me that sets me apart from most you may encounter. My natal Mars conjunction Jupiter helps to perfectly sum up the fact that I am not at all passive.

Most INTJ’s do not like confrontation, I am no exception. Though If I am faced with adversity I will tackle that son of a bitch head on, and will not hesitate nor will I grow tired in doing so. I should say, I am a formidable opponent, and otherwise not shy of the shady part of life that needs sorting (Sun sextile Pluto). In fact, it was only recently I learned people know this about me. All along I thought it was a mystery, turns out that is not the case, and apparently people are immediately uncomfortable with me because of this. The irony, if you consider it all. I hate drama, but won’t hesitate to diffuse a bomb if I have to, and my level of confidence alongside any projections folks have gets me every time. For this reason, I had to move out rather young. I was lucky I didn’t get put in foster care as a child to be honest, and frankly, I was an orphan to an extent as it was. I often times stayed with my friend’s families, as we moved every few years it seemed. I adopted a new family that I would spend substantial time with, only otherwise attending to what I had to at my own home. This did nothing for my level of closeness, and as soon as I was out of there I wouldn’t look back nor was I welcome.

The problem with moving out young is having not a damn thing to your name. My mother, for whatever reason, even argued I shouldn’t take my bed with me in packing to move out. I took the damn bed, but not much else and started from scratch with shady people for roommates. It didn’t last long before they cut and run, and I struggled to make ends meet myself. For this reason, any given lemon I drove at the time had a limited shelf life. One in particular I loved dearly. A 79’ Cougar, this thing was a damn tank and proved to be life saving later. Though broke, one way to have fun back in the day was to hang out with friends and not play on cell phones. I believe we did an array of activities one night. I hung out with my future ex husband and several friends. We hung out at the bowling alley, sat around the parking lot, went to a small diner to eat. I honestly couldn’t tell you what we did. We didn’t do much of anything, but we laughed and screwed around most times.  

Earlier in the day I noticed my battle ax Cougar wasn’t stopping on a dime, considering it was as old as I was, I wasn’t expecting it to be perfect. It was noticeably a problem this evening. So after a night of shenanigans with friends I decided I would stop by my parent’s house for the night. They weren’t too far from where I was in town and I thought it would be safer to sleep on their couch until I could sort out my break situation. Through the night with friends, I had to pump the break to get the car to stop. I’d slow down well in advance, and slowly pump it to a stop. It became incredibly worse throughout as the evening wore on.

I had dropped off my then boyfriend and made my way to their place. At the time, my parents obviously lived in the same city and state, which hasn’t always been the case. They were still married at the time, though only barely so, and lived in a townhouse at the end of a cul de sac where my older brother also stayed. I can’t count the number of years my brother has lived with both, or one of my parents to be honest with you. Nor could I tell you the number of cars my parents have given him, much less home, or other such novelties. I suppose his personality is more likable than mine, though ironically he is also an INTJ. To be fair, and to his defense, I am probably to most extroverted introvert there is, my own bit of torture (mercury quincunx ascendant). I would say I am not shy, but I don’t enjoy small talk, keep it real.

Certainly not all INTJs are cut from the same cloth. He has a social anxiety disorder. Meanwhile, my father always complained that my grandfather favored my aunt; ironically in the same way my dad does for my brother. It’s unclear if I am that unlikeable, or if my dad is just over compensating. Regardless, the whole posse was in place for what was about to occur.

As I headed to their town home, I began to pump my brake as I had been throughout the evening. Their townhouse was literally at the very end of the cul de sac, down a slight hill. Traditionally, I would pull up all the way toward the end of the parking lot surrounded by town homes. If all the parking spots were taken, I would put my car in reverse and park across the street. In this case, I had planned to do just that. I looked at my speed, I was doing a crawling 15 mph and wasn’t on the accelerator. As I began to ease on the break I noticed the car wasn’t slowing however. I began to pump the brake as I had been earlier in the evening, the car wasn’t responding at this particular moment as it normally had. Though the drive wasn’t long I had every inclination to respond appropriately. I shifted the car in reverse, the car didn’t respond. I put on the emergency break, the car didn’t respond. I made a hard right in an effort to pull the car into the grass, the car didn’t respond. The car didn’t respond to my hard right in part because just in that moment I hit the curb that was just several feet from the neighboring town home to my parents.

Hoping the curb would stop my car, it did not. In fact, it caused my extraordinarily heavy vehicle to go slightly airborne, and with that I hunkered down as I headed into the townhouse. Before I knew it, I was half way deep into my parent’s neighbor’s home. As if something you would see in National Lampoons, steam came out of the hood of my car, as bricks all around me fell slowly one by one on and around my car. The car covered in dust, as I sit there and stare at a wall where a family portrait fell to the ground. My first thought, I’m going to jail. My next thought, for how long, is anyone hurt? Just then, a man who could easily pass for a 70s porn star came bolting toward my from inside with his curly hair asking if I was ok? On the heels of his inquiry, his wife, equally mane bushy in her nightgown, yelling “You could have killed my children!” I felt 2 inches tall.

The couple’s children peeked at me from atop the steps, they had literally just gone up, as the mother and wife who lived next to my parents reprimanded me. All the while, neighbors circling the homes all came out to see what was the matter, including my parents. I looked over to my dad hoping he would come over and help me sort this out. As I sat, there, my dad shook his head as if to be disappointed, as I watched my mother, father and brother walk away closing the door. Somewhere in this chaos, I ran into my parent’s home to call my boyfriend. From there, he called all our friends who had hung out with us that evening. On the heels of the police and paramedic arriving, so did my friends, with their cameras in tow, all taking pictures as the police conducted field sobriety tests on m e. Odd indeed, I have this tendency to attract some very eclectic people (venus sextile Uranus, 2)

I apologized profusely to the women of the house, as the tow truck removed my car. I had a secondary fear that my car was completely destroyed, and from there, how would I go to work and make a living? To my surprise, the only damage to my car, besides my breaks, was that the hood ornament had broken off. To be fair, with the age of the car, I was surprised that this was intact before the accident. Thankfully, no one was injured, I didn’t go to jail, and the complex later put up guard rails to avoid this incident from occurring again. To be fair, when my parents first moved in, my exact thought was, I hope it’s not that* townhouse, it seems at risk for a car driving through it. That’s Neptune sextile Pluto for ya. It turns out, I was leaking brake fluid, and that was the culprit. This, in my family is what we refer to as the “T factor” (Tracy factor), you may know this as something akin to Murphy’s Law.

The Finger

I once had a fantastic friend, dare I say mentor, Jerry. A fellow writer, he wrote scripts often and was a prodigy musician among other things. My flamboyant homosexual friend was one of the best friends there ever was before he passed. He was easily more than double my age at the time we became close. We met when I was in my late teens, though we became close when I was around 18 and he somewhere in his 50’s.

Jerry helped me through maturing, and guiding me as did another prominent mentor in my life by the name of Doris, also significantly older and sadly no longer with me. Both Doris and Jerry were the most progressive and bazaar mentors in terms of maturity stereotypes. To me, they were perfect, I do attract eclectic people as it stands, but more on that later. They were the weird, older versions of my type of personhood, I needed them dearly and they knew it. They fulfilled a significant gap in my young adulthood where I needed structure and lacked it in my upbringing.

Another interesting fact about Jerry, he was morbidly obese. So anytime he asked me to pick something up for him at the store, I would do my best to oblige. Let me clarify, when I say morbidly obese, I do mean bedbound and not much more. Many of nights we lay in his bed laughing at the normal people of the world together, drinking albeit; writing, singing, criticizing, & oh I dearly miss that man.

Speaking of drinking, Jerry asked me to arrange a pickup of vodka for him. I was not of age, and so doing so was not possible for me. I asked my slightly older brother to do so and meet me on my way to work. My brother Chris went to the neighboring liquor store near a gas station. I was peacefully filling my gas tank as my brother pulled up to make a purchase and give me the alcohol. “I’m going inside to get some lotto tickets” he said.

I had shut my car door with some sort of back handed gesture while walking away from it, as I walked away and it was not in my line of sight. Suddenly my hand burned with an intensity I had never experienced before, trapped no doubt in the door behind me. Squirming about I had no idea the extent of the injury, as I had apparently just slammed my hand in the car door. Although my hand was stuck, I had to maneuver in just such a way to open the door to get it out. Once I did I immediately put my right index finger in my mouth, not having looked at the injury what-so-ever.

As I stand there with the taste of pseudo tasting copper filling my mouth and something hard pressing against my tongue, I pulled my hand away from my face. Stunned, I was nearly blinded by my own blood as it shot with fury directly in my eyes, blood pressure being what it is and all. The taste was blood no doubt, and that something hard was my bone, before my eyes dangled a portion of my index finger. I immediately grabbed the complimentary gas station towels at the window cleaning station next to the pump and yelled for my brother. “Chris, come here, I think something is wrong”. Slightly annoyed my brother came to my side to witness my new injury. “Please go inside and get some help” I asked of him.

In my delirium I situated my car as best I could by putting the fuel pump away and shutting my car door, but gently this time. As I moved toward the gas station door, I had hoped my brother had gotten some help, whatever that would mean. As I stepped into the gas station, I was overwhelmed by what I saw, my brother standing in line, a long line. What was he thinking? He was going to wait to get help? Could he not see the extent of my injury? I asked him what he was doing. “I’m getting lotto tickets Trace” he replied. That little fucker may have no intention of getting me some help after all, or worse yet, perhaps asking after his purchase for a band aid or some such.

 

My blood pressure was changing; some form of shock must have overcome me. In that moment I began to feel besieged. The room spun about as if I was on a bad acid trip, as blood soaked through the handful of window towels. I unveiled my hand allowing the blood to create the impact my words could not at this juncture. Blood spewed forth, on potato chips here, candy bars here, if humanity wasn’t enough to jar someone into action than the destruction of merchandise surely would. Just then, I began to slowly wander back toward what was an opening to a more private area of the store. “Ma’am, Ma’am!” yelled a gas station clerk. “What are you doing?”, she yelled seemingly appalled and dismayed that I was bleeding everywhere, my plan had worked.

Giving the clerk a stone cold stare of death, I continued onto what appeared to be the office, as I fell into the chair just in front of the corner desk. Willing to fall over onto the desk with exhaustion, the clerk continued “You can’t be in here!” she gestured for me to come toward her as if to help me. My sense was that this was in trade for removing myself from the gas station leadership office. As I made my way to her, she grabbed my arm pulling it toward the utility sink. “This will get some of those germs off, it’ll make you feel better” she exclaimed. Wincing to keep eye contact, I look over toward my brother as he gestured I should do so.

The clerk pulls my arm under the ice cold water, letting out a shriek I pull my arm back with a passion. With her grip, and my weariness, my arm was still under the water. I gaze upon my hand and in what seemed like eternity, only to see the dangling portion of my finger swaying back and forth over the wide utility drain under the high water pressure. I mustarded all the strength within me to pull my hand away, “Thanks!” I snarled in a blood loss stupor as I rushed my way out the door. My brother just behind me, I tossed him the keys and delegated “Park it, we’re going to the hospital”, as he parked my car.

I sat on a curb waiting for him, as he pulled up in his car. I got in, with my temperature fluctuating as well as my equilibrium. Time seemed to be at a snails pace while we moved one block at a time, sitting at each red light on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. Finally the throbbing pain was too much. “Do you have the vodka I asked?” as I looked toward his backseat. “Yes, why do you want it?” He asked. I gestured for it and he opened the top handing it to me, just as he began to drive the next light. As we pulled up, waiting for the light to change, I downed as much of the half gallon of Heaven Hill Vodka as I could. Drinking with enthusiasm, it poured down my throat, inside and out. It poured down my shirt, and was all over my neck. I continued to chug it until I nearly gagged it all up.

 

If the room was spinning before, it was definitively spinning now. As we pulled up to yet another light, I half hung out the window, my head and injured hand as I aired out. It was then I noticed the car of patrons to the side of us, they marveled in fear at the grotesque sight of my hand and dangling finger, at that I pulled myself into the car. Once at the hospital my brother let me out to park. I finally went into the ER, though I could tell by my care all the doctors were certain this was an accident as a result of drinking. Needless to say, my treatment therein was entertaining considering the afore mentioned assumption. My brother never met me inside after parking; I had later learned he went on home. I called a friend to bring me a whopper to sober me up, and eventually give me a ride home. Thankfully my finger was fully repaired though I didn’t have health insurance and had a quite a price tag to go with it. Considering this was my index finger, the joke never got old that I was “#1”, since after all in a sling it looked as if I was permanently pointing. I was after all, a champ.

Chainmail Conundrum

I received a political “conundrum” chain mail. I thought it only appropriate to rebuttal, not in favor or against a party, but to highlight reality, the power of propaganda & the lack of research or critical thinking.

Feel free to refute my responses, I am always up for sharpening the saw. Below, my responses are not bolded. Watch out for hyperlinks for additional resources.

 

1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.

Americans actually pay more taxes, when you consider all the hidden taxes, annual income and state tax, sales tax etc full taxes/fees Americans pay is:

• Federal income tax
• State income tax
• Local income tax
• Employee social security tax (your employer pays the other half)
• Employee Medicare tax (your employer pays the other half)
• Property taxes
• Road toll charges
• State sales tax
• Driver’s license renewal fee
• TV Cable/Satellite fees & taxes
• Federal telephone surtax, excise tax, and universal surcharge
• State telephone excise tax and surcharge
• Telephone minimum usage and recurring/nonrecurring charges tax
• Gas/electric bill fees & taxes
• Water/sewer fees & taxes
• Cigarette tax
• Alcohol tax
• Federal gasoline tax
• State gasoline tax
• Local gasoline tax
• Federal inheritance tax
• State inheritance tax
• Gift tax
• Bridge toll charges
• Marriage license
• Hunting license
• Fishing license
• Bike license fee
• Dog permit/license
• State park permit
• Watercraft registration & licensing fees
• Sports stadium tax
• Bike/nature trail permit
• Court case filing fee
• Retirement account early withdrawal penalty
• Individual health insurance mandate tax
• Hotel stay tax
• Plastic surgery surcharge
• Soda/fatty-food tax
• Air transportation tax
• Electronic transmission of tax return fees
• Passport application/renewal fee
• Luxury & gas-guzzler car taxes
• New car surcharge
• License plate and car ownership transfer taxes
• Yacht and luxury boat taxes
• Jewelry taxes & surcharges
• State/local school tax
• Recreational vehicle tax
• Special assessments for road repairs or construction
• Gun ownership permit
• Kiddie tax (IRS form 8615)
• Fuel gross receipts tax
• Waste Management tax
• Oil and gas assessment tax
• Use taxes (on out-of-state purchase)
• IRA rollover tax/withdrawal penalties
• Tax on non-qualified health saving account distributions
• Individual and small business surtax (page 336 of Obamacare)
• Estimated income tax underpayment penalty
• Alternative Minimum Tax on income
• Business Taxes & Fees
• Federal corporate income tax
• State corporate income tax
• Tax registration fee for new businesses
• Employer social security tax
• Employer Medicare tax
• Federal unemployment tax
• State unemployment tax
• Business registration renewal tax
• Worker’s compensation tax
• Tax on imported/exported goods
• Oil storage/inspection fees
• Employer health insurance mandate tax
• Excise Tax on Charitable Hospitals (page 2001/Sec. 9007 of Obamacare)
• Tax on Innovator Drug Companies (Page 2010/Sec. 9008 of Obamacare)
• Tax on Medical Device Manufacturers (Page 2020/Sec. 9009 of Obamacare)
• Tax on Health Insurers (Page 2026/Sec. 9010 of Obamacare)
• Excise Tax on Comprehensive Health Insurance Plans, i.e. “Cadillac” plans
• Tax on indoor tanning services
• Utility users tax
• Internet transaction fee (passed in California; being considered in other states and at federal level)
• Professional license fee (accountants, lawyers, barbers, dentists, plumbers, etc.)
• Franchise business tax
• Tourism and concession license fee
• Wiring inspection fees
• Household employment tax
• Biodiesel fuel tax
• FDIC tax (insurance premium on bank deposits)
• Electronic waste recycling fee
• Hazardous material disposal fee
• Food & beverage license fee
• Estimated income tax underpayment penalty
• Building/construction permit
• Zoning permit fees

Therefore, while it would appear the lump taxes are paid by “socialist” countries, such as Denmark, France etc, in totality Americans pay more, when you consider education is not “free”, healthcare is not “free” and disproportionate. It would appear at a glance we pay 24% taxes compared to their 40%, but when you take into account my education, healthcare, daycare costs, nursing home care etc and taxes on top of this, I actually pay 67% ‘taxes’ for the same services received in Denmark etc. and in cases of nursing homes, you will lose all your assets, so that’s 100% nice try though.

Additionally,

The brunt of our tax dollars are being lost in hidden industries, such as prisons, which has increased incarceration at 600% is the past 30 years but has not made our society any better, though is becoming more and more privatized, so body counts cover corporate stakeholders, all while spewing propaganda that the masses eat up, such as emails like this.

Capitalist on a major level are, you know the folks who can actually sponsor a legislature, not on our level, yes.

2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.

Why does the word “victim” come up, any one who is getting screwed by the government is indeed, fight them not your people. Half of the population is subsidized because hidden industry is eating away at the tax dollars we pay. 8 trillion dollars recently went missing in defense, I heard no major news reporting this, and no one seems to care. This is public records, because it has to. Accounting clearly shows purchases for items already over stocked in inventory, yet purchased even more. As well as money that was paid out with no explanation as to why, or straight out not accounted for. The government does not have to explain, Sovereign Immunity. If not for the lack of accountability, perhaps we’d have better schools, better healthcare, better everything instead of your taxes dollars disappearing quietly to private companies and in fact other countries. The solution is being mistaken for Socialism (which is not a dirty word, more propaganda) the truth is it would be government accountability with our dollars, good luck with that one however.

3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.

Who thinks they are a victim? None of the hard-working broke people I know, that’s largely an illusion to propagate people into thinking they should work more hours and live more like dogs in order to be legit. Representatives do not represent us. They represent whoever they are sponsored by, private corporations, ya know, such as pharmaceutical companies, weapons industry, prisons, etc. where the money comes back. “the money” our money, and get caught on nominal debating such as we need to cut food stamps, please…

 

4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.

All people are getting poorer, but you see it most at the bottom because the bottom earners are working for the least amount of money, the agenda is siphoning more and more cash away from everyone. You’ll see the hurt at the bottom first obviously, you’ll assume it’s one sides fault over another, it’s a rouse. 

 

5. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

Perhaps, this hasn’t been a third world country in any of our lifetimes, if it were you can expect a total anarchy, you have to let the people keep some of their earnings after all… The government hardly hands out help, I should know. This is a non-logical sentence all around.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Who are they? Us, as in all of us? People of America want more accountability from the government but they are conflicted with how to make that happen. They are generally stupid and thoroughly confused, and the propaganda all over keeps them that way, as intended. It’s sustainable by stupid emails like this. 

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.  Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

I have thought about it, it’s nearly all I think about. But no one is listening. No one is doing the REAL math, people are staying confused and blissfully unaware but for bitching and taking zero action, thinking their way is the right way and their votes count. It matters? Join me in protest! I thought not…

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

These sentence tell me how I should I think and not to conduct my own research, but I know better.

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Wrong, at one time “colors” couldn’t share the same area as whites, “japs” couldn’t either, now what? Women couldn’t get jobs, credit, or vote, we still are getting screwed in many ways. Now Muslims, history should have taught us something, but it turns out not. We were just celebrating the death of a great Muslim, Ali, and now we are condemning all? HAS HISTORY TAUGHT NO ONE NOTHING?!?

I’m sorry, why did you all fight for civil rights again? Why don’t you undo that… No, obviously because it’s stupid.

The problem is psychos.

No one is threatening to take away guns, again propaganda.

The suggestion is heavy artillery, which only became legal in 2005 when mass shooting significantly increased. 

Furthermore, agreed, maybe laws won’t stop anyone from getting their hands on a AR15 if illegal, but I have yet to see a person use it for legal purposes, such as stopping one of these mass shootings.

Fighting to keep that kind of gun seems stubborn just for the sake of. Switzerland gun ownership is 1 in 2 people, who are trained young and all must serve the country at least 2 years. Theres a respect for artillery, finally, automatic weapons are banned there.

Switzerland has the lowest gun incident rating. The answer is, no one is judging gun owners, people are judging automatic weapons and lunatics, duh

At least better background checks, hell it’s easier to get a gun than it is sudafed.

Funny how that works. And here’s another one worth considering…

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money! What’s interesting is the first group “worked for”their money, but the second didn’t.

Yes, of course we do, that’s part of propaganda honey. First, our highest expense is “defense”, you know where money disappears and NO ONE is talking about it. Second is Social security, why? The largest portion of our population retiring and the greedy government does not want to give up our money, so they have to blame it on an expense lower of the total poll, social programs. Yeah, the area where people are making such low money, taxed to death, paying for private insurance, college and so forth that they should also take the blame for this.

The government can’t after all. Feel free to do away with those programs, it will not happen. Why? Because then my dear when parents have starving children you will see an anarchy like no other, the government can’t have that.

Think about it…..and Last but not least 

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

Are you serious, really, did you not read anything I stated above. Please review, government hustlers pitting one another against each other to take the focus off them, judging by the content of this, it worked like magic.

Am I the only one missing something?

You are many of the sheeple who are, yes you’re missing a lot

 “If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.” – Plato

 

Awesome quotes do not make a tidbit any more credible. Stop drinking the kool-aid and focus on all politicians and not the circus of dividing. Lets stat evaluating the Electoral system.

 

2nd Chances

 

 

 

2nd Chances

 

The three biggest factors to recidivism are a support system, employment & permanent home address. I find it ironic when thinking in terms of support system being the start and end issue. Certainly that was at least a contributor to failure at the start, whether it is an actual crime or not knowing your rights or representation. 50% of parolees are successful in meeting their conditions, 60% of probationers are as well. Not impressed? I wasn’t until I learned that of those 85% who return are due to technical violations, such as not having a job. As our impact list indicates, this touches everyone in the community and is more than just a humanitarian effort if the bottom line is strictly your concern.

 

 

 

Speaking of support system, I’ll explain briefly a very traumatic & deep part of my life in growing up with my primary caretaker, my mother. A woman who passed away just a few short years ago; in losing her, my emotions were complex. As any person living with a relative with mental illness can attest. She was schizophrenic & epileptic. Have you seen A Beautiful Mind? Unlike a couple hour movie for the purposes of deep thinking & entertainment, that was my life growing up. My father, in the military, and always working; otherwise he was not around. He was honorable, but not present.

 

 

 

Moving every few years, either to a new state or new town; being dyslexic, I was the new kid showing up dressed in missed-match clothing and stinking of sweat as I raised myself. I can tell you first hand I didn’t do a top notch job, but I tried. Try as I may, I wasn’t just caring for myself. In some ways I was caring for my mother as well. In some respects my brother, who had other afflictions. As you can presume for myself and others who come from a lack of support, you often times find yourself attaching to whoever will have you. I can honestly say, I had no confidence, and no standard for which I felt I deserved quality people in my life which resulted in a lot of rework. At the very least I wasted a few years trying to fit in the wrong support system.

 

 

 

I am no angel; I’m willing to bet no one is. In fact I had my fair share of criticism from teachers and other authority figures. Not necessarily for the reasons you may think. I was critical, and didn’t fail to share my thoughts. “Mouth” was my nickname, not because I talked incessantly, but because my communication packed a wallop. In this way, I sure didn’t gain alliances. All these factors created the perfect storm. I attracted the wrong people, with a misconception of what I stood for, & in turn I had no personal value to which I was selective or whom I should be affiliated with.

 

 

 

Eventually, I worked as a cashier at a grocery store at 18 years old. One night, I was pulled aside where it was explained to me that a couple hundred dollars was missing from my cash drawer. Though I had a mouth, I did respect authority, specifically in intimidating situations. Pulled off to a side room, where one loss prevention person set their chair in front of the door, it was explained to me I wasn’t leaving until I agreed to the written terms. It’s interesting in hindsight; if one should refuse to contribute without an attorney present, which is our right, though I would be deemed guilty by onlookers just on virtue.

 

 

 

Interesting factors in my case, I was under duress undoubtedly. As a cashier previously, I thought it odd that I never witnessed a count of my drawer; I simply slide it into a hole in the literal wall for a “cash office” to count down without any knowledge of the outcome. After long hours of insistence, I signed the documentation loss prevention put before me. I reconciled that I would deal with it later, not realizing I had sealed my fate. I was tired, I was hungry, and I was scared. I wanted to go home. I wanted to ask a “grown up” what I should do, but no one was available to me. I signed the document.

 

 

 

I was dismissed from the job. Over time, my most pressing concern was getting a new job, as I had lived on my own and going back to my parent’s home was not an option. Steadily I received letters from my former employer insisting that I “pay back” the loss from the cash drawer. Broke and barely making it, I concluded I would not do so since I felt there was nothing to substantiate this. The letters specifically stated “may or may not press charges” & I felt that if I had paid the money it would warrant pressing charges, in presumably admitting guilt.

 

 

 

As time went on, the letters continued & the amount demanded increased, as my former employer added interest, bringing the amount from a misdemeanor to a Class D felony as I would learn. A complicated set of circumstances created the perfect storm, and it was official, charges were indeed brought against me & filed. I was fortunate in that growing up somewhat orphaned, families of my friends would look out for me where they could. It was then all hands were on deck, as they advised I needed an attorney.

 

 

 

My dad sought out the best attorney he could find. I had plans to enlist into the military, after all and this would significantly impact that. This hotshot lawyer bragged of his no losing streak. Indeed, as we had later learned, after paying him a pretty penny he advised me to plead out. Scared at the concept of facing prison time of 5 years, he advised us the risk was there, we should take a plea, and that I did. I asked if letters from community leaders and peers would help? He advised strongly against it. Being “mouth”, I did it anyway. Fortunately the judge decided at sentencing that if not for those letters I would have served a significant time for a new felon. He had mercy on me and had me serve two weeks. Resolved right? No.

 

 

 

In jail, I learned little nuances that one could never know of this culture. Such as, I wasn’t aware I couldn’t wear undergarments that weren’t white. Upon coming into jail I was ordered not only to a strip search, but to dress in jail attire without underwear. No big deal right? No. It would be a cruel twist of fate that I had started my period just a couple days in. It turns out, if other inmates see you bleeding you will get beat up. I also didn’t know the secret culture in which you must shower your first day there, or you will get beat up as well. I can tell you, taking a shower without shower shoes and risking a fungal infection was not a high priority on my list, but I did so with the advice of a fellow inmate looking out for me. She gave me menstrual pads to stand on. Sounds funny, but it’s a real problem. Starting my menstrual cycle was a big deal because you can’t let others see you bleed, though in my case they likely would. Why? I had no underwear, and you do not get tampons, unless you buy tampons. I had pads, but nothing to stick them to.

 

 

 

My jumpsuit was over sized, you get what you get. The crotch of it came down to my knees. I slept on the floor since it was overcrowded for a while, on newspaper. I sat in one spot as long as I could, with any pads I could get or homemade toilet paper made pads. I was a criminal after all. Though I wasn’t guilty of this, I am not without folly and justified to myself, I deserved this. “You can have tampons, if you can buy them” a nurse advised me. You buy items with money on your book (account). How do you arrange that? I had asked any and all support system I could if someone would answer my collect call. Visibly bleeding was problem because it’s considered a risk; infectious disease is a serious problem in jails and prisons. I had learned I was surrounded by many women who had HIV/AIDs from prostitution or otherwise. Finally I got a bunk; top which turns out is not what you want. It was of course the perfect size for a small child. Getting in and out of it tore up my legs.

 

 

 

 

Finally, I got out of jail. On my last day, just hours before I was released, I got a bag of items I ordered through my account. Items such as toothpaste, tampons, etc. it took two weeks to process, so I no longer needed it as I was being released that day. I started with visiting a probation officer on my full day of freedom. Where I learned I would need to abide my very strict standards. He explained I could not drink; I could not have an empty beer can in my trash whether it was from myself or someone else, as random home and job site search would commence. I could not have expired tags, I had to have a place to live, I had to have a job, & more. If I did not abide by these rules, I would go back to jail to serve out the rest of the 5 years. I was scared to death, I was young and I knew my friends would drink or anything else. I couldn’t even be in their presence without being at risk. How could I know if they had a substance on them? I made a conscious decision to seclude myself. I was on probation for 10 years, 5 of which was supervised.

 

 

 

I decided I would go to college, work two jobs, and have no time to be physically around any possible threat. In that time, I slept 3 hours a day and worked myself to the bone. I wanted to have children one day after all, and how could I justify it if I had nothing to offer them? So I worked. I donated eggs a couple of times, intrigued with fertility and birth I once dreamed of being a midwife. I intended to go to school for nursing, but was told it may not be the best idea given my circumstances.

 

 

 

I eventually completed my education, nearly 10 years after having earned several degrees. I enjoyed learning and rationalized I would overcompensate for my dyslexia and background issue. I learned in the worst way possible it wasn’t that easy. I was honest on applications, just to be turned down with the felony as a reason. Eventually, I grew tired, wondering why anyone would waste my time interviewing me just to tell me this was a barrier. Applications aren’t consistent in how the question is asked. After 7-10 years I would answer no,when the question was specific to that time frame in some instances. I have had jobs for a couple months, to alternatively learn it was a problem despite my performance.

 

 

 

I have had offers, just to have them rescinded after having given my notice due to a current employer as a result of slow background checks. I have lost my position in mergers where company A signed off on it, but company B did not despite years of superior service. You wouldn’t have found a more dedicated staff member than me! I learned in time KY FCRA laws are one of few that allow lifelong checks, so the question of time frame is not relevant in the state, asking gives the wrong impression. I was married eventually. In our marriage we were having trouble conceiving. I was told I could not adopt. My only option would be to get IVF. Having donated before, I knew very specifically the cost and time for IVF, so I worked hard and I saved. I worked harder in my life than I ever had. I donated plasma, I participated in medical experiments, worked multiple jobs, began publishing & journalism in part to have a voice where I could not vote, and to stabilize income for the never ending job drama.

 

 

 

I did everything I could do to raise money. With that and other options we invested 30k into attempting IVF, though results were not guaranteed. The situation didn’t pan out, and the marriage ended. Nearly 20 years out, I am still considered a threat to society because a lack of knowledge that a class D felony is not the same as a class A capital offense is held against me, there’s no knowledge to distinguish the difference. I’m being retired by non-experts. Upon discovery, with shock and awe as if I am suddenly not worthy to sit in the same room as others more fortunate, time and time again I was turned down. At times, people will say “you’re are the exception, & this is unfortunate”. I can tell you, nothing makes me sicker to my stomach then knowing that redemption is considered for “exceptions”. Perhaps not going to college may have been wiser, that is what society was showing me. Moreover, I am not an exception; I am some representation of the majority. At the very least, we all make mistakes, but we move on. I was reliving the very rejection I grew up feeling in the worst way.

 

 

 

2nd Chances was birthed from this. Many pardon applications I’ve submitted have been overlooked at the end of administration terms, & this is how it works. I looked for a mission, an action, what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working & now was time for change. Serendipity would have it; I met a Jason Smith and eventually Crystal Powell through Facebook comments on news sources. I asked Jason if he would like to be a part of this, where he introduced me to Crystal and organically the same was asked.

At the time, we proactively shared information and passed on resources, beyond that this was the extent of what we had to offer. Concurrently I had a peer group of volunteers brainstorming with me on what should happen. It occurred to me, if we could just place people in jobs specifically with these setbacks, that’s the resolution. My experience is in analytics. So I pulled the data, I had to see it for myself, and it was substantiated. In time, the two groups merged and we are on a mission.

 

 

 

It seemed right to finally share my story, some people saw success of my sustained efforts and assumed it came without a  fight, even contributing resistance on my goals. Not that getting out of the gutter is permanent. They’d stereotype  that I hadn’t seen a hard day in my life and justified it. Likewise, it perpetuates a cliché in several capacities & until we dismantle those illusions across communities it will only continue, unjust as that maybe. For this purpose, for the greater good, I’ll share my story.  We will support everyone who dares to shatter stereotypes.

Again, the three biggest factors to recidivism are support system, employment & permanent home address. I find it ironic when thinking in terms of support system. Certainly that was at least a contributor to failure at the start. 50% of parolees are successful in meeting their conditions, 60% of probationers are as well. Not impressed, I wasn’t until I learned that of those 85% who return are due to technically violations such as not having a job.

 

 

1 in 4 people have some sort of criminal record. Let’s change the world together.

Courtship, Love & The Friendzone

It’s taken years for me to put into words why the term friend zone pisses me off as a woman.

1. It’s limited to only valuing a female so long as there’s an eventual reward, quid pro quo
2. A view that opposite sex friendships must have a physical reward; this is patriarchal, which is a short sited viewpoint
3. The residual implies there’s a victim in a non-obligatory situation who is owed something
4. It Assumes she intended to deceive you

Beyond insecurities, I expect that in a relationship a male should have meaningful female friends without it going south, whether he is in a relationship or not as should women. Why? Because it tells you how such a person views relationships in general, and what your role is. If a friendship is otherwise meaningless, it’s very clear the purpose in the dynamic.

Dynamics are not as complex as we think. The jealousy a women or man may feel because of a significant other having opposite sex friends, is due to any of the following

A. A valid threat

B. They do not trust their partners friend e.g. “I know how men are”, “I know how women are”

C. You’re insecure, but your feelings should still have a value, why? 

Why is this a threat? Well, that’s what the honeymoon stages represents, babies don’t make themselves, and women are just as much primal a men despite what you’ve been taught. In fact, we’re all animals, and animals linage rely on creating offspring. You will hear people say ‘men have a desire to spread their seed’ implying it’s on an unconscious level, somehow negating that women have any desire, or are strictly maternal.

Considering all of this, the honeymoon stage is no coincidence; pheromones have a proven shelf life of 6 months-2 years approximately. What does this mean? Well, it takes more work after that time, or not depending on your dynamics. Though it’s not as euphoric, which is fine since that’s not sustainable. Why do people keep relationships, we’re conscious animals, and unless we are always willing to flip the apple cart for fly-by-night feelings, we’re somewhat civilized and like consistency, at least somewhat.

The purpose of this honeymoon stage? To get some babies made, and see them through surviving the most critical portion of their development of course. Not necessarily a conscious desire of the man or women, its nature. This is why an opposite sex friend seems an option (see 1), or is a threat (see A). That is how it happens right?

Undoubtedly men are more apt to feel slighted being “friend zoned”, It’s very possible what she shared of her thoughts was only just the tip of the iceberg, perceived as it couldn’t be any deeper, likely it was. Both genders have manipulators, but it does not mean s(he) specifically intend to do so in the friend zone situation. Beyond that, let’s be fair, women always have options, men not as much so.

All people have levels, and it’s not likely your friends with anyone who doesn’t reveal their personal thoughts. Men don’t share theirs easily in western culture, and not all women are an open book. The onion starts to peel back, instincts kick in, it appears an opportunity has presented itself, and it may have, or not.

For a man, I imagine any process of witnessing this feels intimate, while to women it’s most likely an evolving process but at the very least is a byproduct of friendship ( a significant component to intimacy at the start). Timing is everything; dynamics are always shifting, and if you feel slighted see #2. Otherwise, my best wishes, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.